One More Thing

My previous post was a list of all the things I learned today (quite a bit, eh?). However, there is one thing I learned that requires a post all to itself. Over the past few weeks, maybe two months, I have learned something about myself that I am not so sure I like. I have realized that I have the tendency to suppress things I do not want to remember, almost to the point of no return. So here I am, at the age of (almost) 20 realizing that there are things in my life I do not remember and I have no clue why. On one hand, I'm glad I figured it out now, rather than when I'm 67 (my grandmamma realized she does this too). On the other hand, I wonder if maybe it's okay.

First of all, I think it is partially due to human nature. There are things we don't want to remember, for whatever reason, so we simply forget them. I remember learning about suppressed memories in my psychology class last year. I have known other people in my life who have told me they just "forgot" stuff they didn't want to remember and I almost looked down on them for not being able to just "deal" with stuff. I mean, this is just so weird to me. I didn't realize I was this kind of person. Maybe it's something new, but I think I want to get over it; I'm not so sure I like it.

I realize this, first of all, because since J and I broke up I cannot remember hardly anything about our relationship. This is a big deal. Of course, I remember things like where we went on our first date and our first kiss, the first time we broke up (haha), and other things of that nature, but I have completely blocked quite a bit of it from my memory. The thing is, I've suppressed the good memories as well as the bad memories ( I know this because when I think really hard or am reminded, then I remember them). And not necessarily because I hate the memories, but simply because it makes me sad to think about the good times, and the bad times, well, they were bad! Why would I want to remember them?

The second thing that made me realize this is that I have completely and I mean COMPLETELY blocked out the "talk" that my mom gave me when I was becoming a "young woman." Evidently she talked to me and my sister at the same time because Bek remembers it. I, however, cannot for the life of me recall the talk. It must've been horrible; I have no idea.

Funny that these are the memories I have suppressed huh? Maybe there are more. I don't know. I wish I could get them back because I think I need to deal with some of this stuff so that I can get healing and move on with my life. It's something to pray about for now, and change for the future.